From An Old Book

BONES AND TOADIES

(From, "Confessions Of An Elderly Lady.")

The first visit we paid was to the seat of the Marquis of Doncaster, in the eyes of whose fastidious Marchioness I had been so fortunate as to find favour; a distinction rarely accorded even to the most meritorious , and consequently sought with greater avidity by those who valued it, as many other worthless objects are valued, for its rarity.

The Marquis was a dull, pompous, but not an ill-tempered man. Naturally disposed to entertain a very high opinion of himself and his possessions, this feeling had been encouraged by the partner he had selected to share them; until he had arrived at that happy, though not infrequent state of mind, in which people are so wholly engrossed by self as to become totally oblivious of others, except in relation to themselves. The Marchioness of Doncaster never for a moment forgot that she was of ancient descent, possessed immense wealth, and arrogated great importance; neither was she disposed to permit any one else to forget these distinctions. The slightest symptom of a want of recollection on these points produced an increase of hauteur on her part, and not unseldom a sententious diatribe on the respectful deference which she considered to be her due.

Such is the weakness of meanness of the generality of people, that she found no lack of persons willing to propitiate her favour by a system of subserviency that served to render her still more dictatorial; falsely attributing to her own acknowledged superiority that which was but proof of the unworthiness of her flatterers. She and her lord lived in a state of complete illusion, and this illusion constituted their happiness. They continually quoted each other's opinions, as if they considered them worthy of forming a code to regulate the conduct of their acquaintance; but never were they kind enough to defer, or refer to the sentiments of any other person. If by chance some individual, not versed in the peculiarities of the noble host and hostess, ventured to state the on dits of some other magnet of the land, they instantly drew up to the utmost extent of their stateliness, and silenced the speaker by saying, "Lord Doncaster and I are of a totally different opinion," or, "the Marchioness and I think otherwise."

These sentences were considered to be conclusive; and, like the laws of the Medes and Persians, to admit of no appeal. I was not a person likely to propitiate the Marchioness by any undue deference to her opinions, as I had long indulged in nearly as erroneous a belief in the infallibility of my own; but the antiquity of my family, or as she was pleased to term it, my illustrious descent, aided perhaps by my large possessions, and an occasional and unamiable display of forte in my manner, had won her regard.

To Lady Walsingham she was condescendingly polite; but the condescension was so ostentatiously manifested, as not unfrequently to render the politeness more disagreeable and offensive than the most studied negligence would have been.

The house bore undeniable demonstrations of the character of the owners - magnificence had banished comfort; and the very chairs seemed to have been designed with a reference to the peculiarities of the Marquis and the Marchioness; the backs being so unusually perpendicular, that the slightest approach to a reclining posture were rendered impracticable. The sofas were so far removed from the formal circle in which the chairs were placed, that they were useless; and these last were so cumbrous, that to move one of them out of the accustomed station was a herculean task. The dimensions of the furniture were of Brobdingnagian proportions, totally defying any effort of ordinary strength to displace them; and I have seen the Marchioness compelled to require the assistance of two of her footmen to draw the ponderous fire-screen to protect her visage from the effects of the fire.

The first day of our arrival the only guests assembled to meet us were the rector of the parish and the doctor, with their respective wives. The appearance of both these worthies might have served to convince even the most incredulous person of the superior advantages enjoyed by him to whom we delegated the care of souls, over him to whom was intrusted the care of bodies. The reverend doctor was a man of extraordinary obesity and rubicund countenance; while the medical doctor looked as if he had swallowed half the physic he had prescribed for others, so thin was his frame and so pallid his face. Their helpmates resembled their liege lords in a remarkable degree, Mrs. Warburton being almost as fat as the reverend doctor, while Mrs. Hollingford looked in a state of advanced atrophy.

Never had I witnessed such extreme obsequiousness as that exhibited by these four individuals to the Marques and Marchioness of Doncaster. They assented to every observation uttered by either, generally adding, "your ladyship is always right," or "your lordship is perfectly correct." They did ample justice to the dinner, which was more remarkable for its copiousness than for the talents of the cook. The reverend doctor united the fastidiousness of an opinion, in his entreaties for the most delicate morsels, with the gluttony of the gourmand in the rapidity with which he caused their disappearance; while the M.D. positively devoured like a famished man determined to make the best use of his time.

   "What is the news, Doctor Hollingford?" demanded Lord Doncaster, when the removal of the soup and fish allowed a few brief minutes of repose to that gentleman.

   "No news, my Lord Marquis, the country never was so dull; scarcely a patient among the gentry. But among the poor nothing but coughs and sore throats; the apothecary of the county dispensary declares he never furnished so much medicine before; and for my part I do nothing but ride all over the parish and write prescriptions."

   "How very strange," said Lady Doncaster, "that while the upper classes are so well the lower ones should be so unhealthy, notwithstanding they live in the same climate! Such a circumstance justifies my hypothesis, that the upper class are so superior in physical as they are in mental powers to the lower orders."

   "That's just what I say, your ladyship," observed Mrs. Hollingford; "the wealthy are rarely ill. Now, there's Mr. Goldsworthy, the retired brewer, who is as rich as a Jew; he has not been two whole years in the parish, and never once sent for the doctor. Why, it's a perfect shame! How does he think doctors are to live?"

A look of unutterable contempt from Lady Doncaster was all the notice taken of this remark; but the reverend divine continued the subject, saying, "I don't quite know what to make of this same Mr. Goldsworthy. He has never been once to my church since he came here, which I hold to be very indecorous and disrespectful to me."

   "The two sins of omission you have both related explains the cause of Mr. Goldsworthy's uninterrupted health," replied the Marquis of Doncaster, with a species of laugh vulgarly denominated a chuckle. "By not going in to your damp church, reverend sir, he escapes cold; and by not sending for the doctor he avoids the necessity of taking physic. Eh, gentlemen, eh, eh, what do you say to that?"

   "Your lordship is so very droll," uttered one; and, "Your lordship is pleased to banter," said the other.

At this moment a portion of a glass of wine which Dr. Warburton was gulping down rather too rapidly, went wrong, and produced all the symptoms of strangulation. His rubicund face became of a dark purple hue, his eyes appeared starting from their orbits and a convulsive noise was heard to issue from his throat. Dr. Hollingford started from his seat, drew a case of lancets from his pocket, and prepared to remove Dr. Warburton's coat for the purpose of trying the effects of phlebotomy; but Mrs. Warburton rushed to the defence of her husband, and placing herself between him and the doctor, exclaimed that he should not be bled. The maître d'hôtel, more judicious than the doctor or the suffering man's angry wife, untied his cravat; and Mrs. Warburton, having now succeeded in sending back the mortified and disappointed Dr. Hollingford to his seat, applied her finger and thumb to the snuff-box which she took from her husband's pocket, and conveyed a large pinch of the pungent powder into his nostrils.

   "Have a care, madam, what you do," said the angry and baffled doctor, "the consequences may be attended with great danger; the already overcharged vessels of the head may not be capable of resisting the undue excitement of sternutation at such a moment."

This reasonable remonstrance produced no other effect on the enlightened Mrs. Warburton than to induce her to administer a still larger pinch of snuff to the nostrils of her convulsed husband, who now, in addition to the hiccup, began sneezing repeatedly and violently, sending forth at each effort, most unseemly aspersions over the dishes. Lady Doncaster ordered the entrees within reach of the undesirable irrigation to be forthwith removed, and looked the very incarnation of dismay and anger at this untimely interruption of the repast. Her lord seemed more disposed to smile at than sympathise with Dr. Warburton's painful situation, who still continued to sneeze, though he with one hand manfully resisted his wife's efforts to force on him another pinch of snuff.

Dr. Hollingford kept his eyes fixed on the reverend divine with a glance of such intense curiosity that I was uncharitable enough to think that he would not have been sorry had his prediction of the danger to which Mrs. Warburton's treatment exposed the life of her husband [had] been verified, and thus established a proof of his prescience and skill. But he was doomed to be disappointed; for after a quarter of an hour's suffering Dr. Warburton was restored to his usual state of composure. But not so his wife; who, holding the snuff box open, while the doctor struggled against her administering another pinch, his hand came in contact with the box and sent its contents into her eyes, as she in a recumbent posture approached him. She bore not this accident patiently, but uttered piercing cries, closing her eyes tenaciously as if to retain all the pungent powder that they had received. Dr. Hollingford again approached her to offer his advice, and again was repulsed, with less of urbanity than decorum warranted.

   "Yes, yes, you want to make a job of me," exclaimed the fat lady, "I know you do, but you shall have no fee from me, I can tell you."

   "For the matter of that, ma'am," replied Mrs. Hollingford, "I'd have you to know that my husband Dr. Hollingford is not a man to think of fees when a fellow creature is in peril, so all the poor in the parish can vouch. But some people are so very suspicious and stingy that it is difficult for other people to escape their censures."

   "If by some people you mean me, ma'am" answered Mrs. Warburton, still wiping her eyes and horribly distorting her countenance, "I can assure you that..."

   "Ladies, I beg, " said Lady Doncaster, that you will remember that Lady Walsingham, Lady Arabella Walsingham, Lord Doncaster, and myself can find very little interest in your local differences, and therefore I request that you will restrain the expression of them, for a more fitting occasion."

This was said with the Marchioness's most stern and dignified air, and produced the desired effect; for Mrs. Warburton "hoped her ladyship would have the goodness to excuse her warmth;" and Mrs. Hollingford humbly "begged her ladyship's pardon."

Peace being restored, though it was evident that the angry feelings of the ladies of the D.D. and M.D. were by no means appeased, notwithstanding that a fear of offending the noble host and hostess induced them to subdue every external symptom of irritation. Lady Doncaster announced that, by letters received that morning from London, she was informed that their friend Lord Westonville was shortly to lead to the hymeneal altar the Lady Theodosia Fitz Hamilton.

   "A very suitable and proper marriage," replied Lord Doncaster, "unquestionable in every point of view."

   "Yes," said the Marchioness, "Lady Theodosia is a dignified and high-bred young woman; one who has a proper consciousness of her own elevated position, and who will never permit others to forget it."

   "Lady Doncaster is in this instance, as in all others, perfectly correct," observed the Marquis; "Lady Theodosia is precisely the model I should select to present the female aristocracy of England. No weak condescension about her, no undignified desire to please."

   "I am highly gratified by the match," remarked Lady Doncaster, oracularly, "for, as my Lord observes, Lady Theodosia is indeed a model for all women, and a union with her must insure the happiness of Lord Westonville."

   "I am strongly disposed to disbelieve the report," said I, somewhat maliciously.

   "And pray why, Lady Arabella?" demanded Lady Doncaster, with her most stately air.

   Lady Walsingham cast an imploring glance at me; but I could not resist adding, "Simply because I happen to know that Lord Westonville has proposed to, and been accepted by, another, and I think more eligible person."

   "But you will excuse me, Lady Arabella, if I say that ladies are sometimes prone to insinuate that gentlemen have proposed to them who never entertain any such intention."

   "In the present instance there can be no mistake," replied I, "For Lord Westonville himself talked to me of his approaching nuptials with the lady to whom I referred."

   "You astonish me," answered the marchioness, with an expression that more plainly expressed, "You enrage me."

   "Yes, you really surprise me, as Lady Doncaster justly observed," said her sapient lord; "and had you not mentioned that you heard Lord Westonville himself confirm his intention of wedding another lady, I should hardly have permitted myself to credit the assertion; for the Dowager Duchess of Wilmingham, who wrote the other statement to Lady Doncaster, is extremely accurate in the intelligence she conveys."

   "I hope the lady in question is of ancient descent, for I cannot bear the thought of a mésalliance; and I trust she possesses the same dignified manners that characterize Lady Theodosia."

Poor Lady Walsingham blushed to her very temples; but luckily no one observed this betrayal of her keen sense of the illiberal remark of her haughty hostess.

    "The lady is of high rank," answered I, "and her manners I have always considered very distinguished and agreeable, To be sure she does condescend to please; and never fails to succeed."

   "Then," retorted the hostess angrily, "she must be, in my opinion, deficient in the dignity that ought to appertain to a high-born woman. I never could tolerate the idea of a lady of rank so far forgetting what is due to herself and sex as to seek to obtain, by propitiation the homage and the suffrage which her station ought to command."

   "Lady Doncaster speaks my sentiments on this point," said her lord, looking pompously and half angrily: "I must say I never could tolerate the modern system which, if it degenerates not into vulgar familiarity, is at least too much calculated to make people forget the line of demarcation which should ever subsist between a lady of ancient and noble lineage and the mere pretenders to fashion; who, by the influence of wealth, force themselves into a society they are so little fitted to adorn."

   "Lord Doncaster's notions on this subject are well worth attention and adoption," observed his lady wife, smiling complacently on him.

   "Your ladyship and his lordship's notions on all subjects must ever be worth attending to," remarked the reverend doctor; "and happy are those who have an opportunity of being edified by them."

   "Happy, indeed," ejaculated Dr. Hollingford, in a tone partaking of a groan and a thanksgiving. "Why, no later than yesterday Sir Gregory Tomkinson observed to me that affairs would never go right until the Marquis of Doncaster was at their head."

   "What signifies the opinion of a city knight!" retorted Dr. Warburton, "When Sir John Haverstoke, one of the most ancient barons in England, ay, and a man possessing a clear estate of twelve thousand pounds a year, told me last Sunday, after church (for he makes it a point never to omit divine worship), that his lordship was the nobleman on whom all eyes were turned to be prime minister."

   "Though the opinions of Sir John Haverstoke are certainly worth attending to, as representing those of the landed interest in the country, still, those of Sir Gregory Tomkinson are not to be despised; for I have observed, on more occasions than one, that he is a sensible and discriminating man."

This speech was uttered by the noble host with an affectation of humility and condescension that was highly amusing; and the approval of Sir Gregory from so high a quarter carried balm to the wound inflicted by Dr. Warburton on the feelings of the worthy M.D.

   "But, for my part," resumed Lord Doncaster, "nothing would be more disagreeable to me than finding myself compelled to accept office. Indeed, nothing short of a royal command would induce me to do so; for, as Lady Doncaster very properly observed when we talked the matter over, a person of my high rank and fortune can gain no accession of dignity by holding office; and the fatigue and trouble present an insuperable objection, as I stated in a certain influential - indeed, I may say, illustrious quarter, when certain propositions were more than hinted at."

   "Yes," said the Marchioness, "My lord and I are placed in a position that precludes us from experiencing the temptations of ambition; and I never could submit to be, as prime minister's wife compelled to receive a heterogeneous mass of people, to whom it would be necessary to enact the gracious."

The D.D and M.D., and their supportive wives, looked with increased awe, and reverence at the noble host and hostess; but fortunately, a signal from the latter led us to the drawing-room, and released us from the prosy flatteries of the toad-eating doctors, and the self-complacent replies of the gratified host.

We found our séjour at Doncaster Castle so irksome that we abridge it and proceeded towards home, judging by this specimen of country houses that our own, was preferable to any we might encounter.

_____

Cormac McCloskey

From, The Cabinet of Irish Literature: Vol II :

Selection From The Works Of The Chief Poets, Orators,

And Prose Writers Of Ireland.

Publisher, Blackie & Son, Limited.

London, Glasgow, Edinburth and Dublin.

My edition, (based on enquiry), 1884.

Note: This blog, "From An Old Book", was first published on Windows Live Spaces, by me, on 10th August 2009